YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
