I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That accounts for only three of the penises
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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