You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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