Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I checked into jail on foursquare
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
