you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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