Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
