this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i drank out of a bidet.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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