My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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