so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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