I think I died a long time ago.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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