Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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