The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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