stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
