this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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