I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
