I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
