i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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