tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
