just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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