She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
