NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The beer is more important than you right now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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