oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
