He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
