is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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