Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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