Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
