I need to stop coming to work sober
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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