He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
