What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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