she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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