I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
