I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
