Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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