I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
