I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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