We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
