somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she woke up with a sticky ear
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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