Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
