Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
