i'm signing you up for texting rehab
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
