this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
