I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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