I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
