So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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