Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
