this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You ruined the universe
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
