You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I want is dick and wine.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
im on a boat
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