I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
