Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
