I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
